Using the phone when on a train

Would all users of mobile phones please note the following:

• Rule 1. All mobile phones are fitted with very sensitive microphones. If you cannot hear the person on the other end, shouting will not make any difference. Do Not Shout.

• Rule 2. Some trains on the National Rail network have 'Quiet Zones'. If you sit in one of these areas, it really is quite simple. Turn your phone off if you are sitting in a designated Quiet Zone. The world is not going to stop spinning on its axis if you are temporarily unable to make or receive calls. The alternatives are to (a) sit somewhere else or (b) stand by the doors, but always remember Rule 1.

• Rule 3. Mobile phones do not work in tunnels, unless very short.If you are traveling on the London Underground this will generally be a concept with which you are familiar. If you are on the phone and you lose your signal while it has 'suddenly' gone dark outside, you have probably gone into a tunnel. Do not try to use your phone in a tunnel. Banging your phone sharply on a hard surface or shouting "Hello, Hello, Hello" into the phone will not, by itself, alter the fact that you are now de facto in a Mobile Free Zone. Should you already have been breaking Rule 1 or Rule 2, your fellow passengars will each be breathing a sigh of relief at this stage.

• Rule 4. Swearing is not clever, nor is it a sign of intelligence. Swearing in public demonstrates an absolute lack of consideration for others and many find it offensive. Do not swear in public. With very few exceptions, the amount a person swears is inversely proportional to their IQ. Unfortunately anyone who breaks this rule probably doesn't even understand Rule 1, Rule 2 or Rule 3.

• Rule 5. If you are unable to comply with Rule 1, Rule 2, Rule 3 or Rule 4, then please walk.

Please note that the events leading to the publishing of these rules are not fictitious. Any similarity to real life events, or references to the behaviour of any person living or dead, is totally none-coincidental and probably deliberate.